‘Plant-based’, Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman — what I’d cancel if I could

Do you know anyone who’s been cancelled? No, me neither. Yet not a day goes by without a politician, comedian, author or historian claiming — on social media, in the pages of mass-circulation newspapers, and flagship news shows - that “cancel culture” represents a threat to free speech or a proper celebration of our nation’s heritage (ie, one that doesn’t mention slavery or anything else uncomfortably icky).

As Booker prize-winner Bernardine Evaristo noted recently, so-called cancel culture currently represents the challenging of established and often bigoted behaviour and attitudes by historically silenced voices. The cry of cancellation is yet another way by which those in charge of the discourse play the victim card (see also the tedious use of “woke” as a stick with which to beat anything liberal or progressive, most recently by Oliver Dowden).

I think that cancel culture isn’t a thing. But it should be. Here are 10 things that really SHOULD be cancelled, for starters. Feel free to add your own:

Any mention of George Orwell on Twitter. Godwin’s law of 1990 states that the longer an online discussion rages, the greater the likelihood that someone will make a glib comparison to the policies of Adolf Hitler. It’s now time to expand this law to include those who claim that the current political situation in the UK, Canada or France is “Orwellian”. And let’s add in “like something out of North Korea/East Germany/China” for good measure.

Portmanteau words, especially ones with “gate” in them. The opportunistic ending of Covid restrictions at least means we’ll see the end of ugly conjunctions like “scariant”, “coronosomnia”, “lockstalgia” and “maskne” . And I don’t want to hear any scandal referred to as something-gate unless it involves the Chelsea Flower show, in which case “Gardengate” is acceptable.

Official government photographers. Seriously, we’re paying for a guy who makes our PM look like a pillow found in a skip?

Approved lists of baby names. Parents in France were last year prevented from naming their offspring Asterix, Clafoutis and Bob L’Eponge, among others. What a joyless subtraction from the sum of human happiness. Little Clafoutis could always change his/her name later, like David Bowie’s son Zowie (aka Duncan Jones).

The fourth series of Succession and Killing Eve. Any show with the premise “which of them will win?” automatically expires from narrative exhaustion after series three (or in the case of Killing Eve, series one). And TV adaptations of Dickens. And film adaptations of Austen. And any adaptations of the Brontë sisters’ novels. Just lazy.

While we’re at it, Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch. They’re great and all, but give someone else a go.

The phrase: “The designer/hairdresser/pilates coach/accountant the A-list love!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg. The joke’s over and no one’s laughing any more.

The phrase “plant-based”. The new “artisan” or “pan-fried” in terms of ubiquity.

Weaponised right-wing shorthand. Simply put, it’s time to cancel “cancel culture”, and to put “woke” to bed.

Back to the office with the promise of a boozy Friday lunch

Back in the Nineties, if something wasn’t done by Friday lunchtime on this newspaper, it wasn’t going to get done until Monday morning. A bunch of us therefore used to go out every Friday to Rowley Leigh’s restaurant Kensington Place, for a lunch that started with a martini and ended in oblivion several hours later. Now, albeit in a less alcoholically detrimental way, I’ve built Friday lunch back into my life. It is a joyful early start to the weekend and a great chance to decompress and process the week with colleagues or friends. I’m pretty sure any loss of productivity from wiping out Friday afternoon is compensated by the cross-fertilisation of ideas and the uptick in mood.

Rather than forcing everyone back to the office as a TWaT (Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday), a regular Friday lunch would give employers an extra and highly concentrated morning’s work in the office and inject cash into the impoverished coffers of TFL and the hospitality industry. Seriously, what’s not to like? And mine’s a large glass of red, if you’re asking…

What would you cancel if you could? Let us know in the comments below.