Londoner's Diary: Travel tales of a politico poet? We’re lovin’ it

Winston Churchill won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1953 but since then written eloquence hasn’t exactly been the forte of our political classes. Westminster hasn’t had a reputation for producing literary talent — and there’s no sign that’s about to change: thanks to politico website Guido Fawkes, The Londoner has discovered a treasure trove of political poetry.

Paul Abbott, Grant Shapps’s former chief of staff, has recently been embroiled in the Mark Clarke bullying scandal, but who knew he also wrote? According to Oxford’s Christ Church-sponsored publisher Tower Poetry, the aide “has been writing poetry seriously for some time”. He has been working on a collection called The Northern Line for the past seven years. In one piece, Gibraltar on the Campaign Trail, Abbott depicts the unique lack of glamour that comes from travelling around the country:

“Taxiing to Luton half falling asleep/(A Labour-held marginal on the M1),/With Downing Street trying to telephone, hopelessly,/Queuing with luggage we breakfast teetotally/On microwaved burgers, and wait anti-socially”.

Elsewhere — on a similar gritty theme — he recalls the grim details from the general election campaign, especially in Wales, in the somewhat self-explanatory McDonald’s on the Campaign Trail:

“The Brackla Industrial Estate McDonald’s,/Standing indifferently in the rain./Wales unfolds./How did I get here, campaigning again,/Five years since the last general election?/Damp leaflets fill our car, with their mundane/Truths:/#HardworkingPeople/#LongTermPlan.”

Were we to recite this out loud, should the hashtags be pronounced?

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Miriam González Durántez writes in today’s FT about her native Spain’s chance to reform its political system in light of the elections. The footer clarifies her qualifications. For anyone unaware of González Durántez’s career, “the writer is a partner at Dechert, a law firm, and is married to Nick Clegg, the UK’s former deputy prime minister”. Is spousal information now FT policy?

Church is admitting the money lenders

“Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is,” Mahatma Gandhi once said. But Alan Bennett finds the merging of the two disconcerting.

The playwright looks back on 2015 in the new London Review of Books and finds some divine intervention when recalling the Governor of the Bank of England’s prediction of a likely rise in interest rates back in July. “What does bother me is that for no obvious reason Mr Carney made his announcement in Lincoln Cathedral,” Bennett writes. “Why there? And why in a cathedral at all? How long before one of Mr Osborne’s rallying calls to the nation is embedded in sung eucharist?”

Wooly thinking wins the day

What links Gwyneth Paltrow, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Harriet Harman’s cat? Not a lot, but two days before Christmas we’re grasping at straws. And as the big day approaches what can you do but retreat into a woolly jumper and wait it out? Gwynnie, “paralysed by too much left to do”, she says on Instagram, follows the lead of Harman’s cat in her choice of a roll-neck.

Which is more than can be said for an unfestive-looking Cumberbatch, lunching yesterday with his parents in the Cotswolds.

Get your Santa jumper on, mate!

Fruit will fly on Labour’s away day

In an interview with Leftist mag Red Pepper, Jeremy Corbyn revealed that he had organised a “very interesting national executive away day” to discuss the democratisation of the party. An away day, you say?

As Labour’s friends and foes know, civil war is quietly raging in the party, and its governing body isn’t an exception. The Londoner cannot help but be reminded of the famous Thick Of It episode, where a hapless Peter Mannion is brought against his will to a “thought camp” in Wales, so he and his peers can “reinvigorate” the party’s ideas. No phones are allowed, obviously, so when some big news breaks back in Westminster the fictional MPs end up fighting to get their phones back, only to realise that there is no signal. They cram onto the top of a children’s slide nearby, which — of course — gets snapped by a tabloid hack, with predictable results.

Our real-life Labour comrades may not plunge to such awkward depths but where could their away day be? The Londoner is betting on the leader’s allotment in East Finchley. It’s not far from Westminster and it may give ammunition to rival factions.

And what a beautiful image: Corbyn trying to stop Angela Eagle and Ken Livingstone from throwing carrots at each other while discussing Trident; Tom Watson grumpily munching on an apple while waiting for everything to blow over. They may not have party unity, but let them eat kale!

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Poor David Miliband. He was on the Today programme this morning talking about the refugee crisis with Justin Webb. David has kept a much lower profile since taking up a job more important than politics, heading the International Rescue Committee. This may be why Webb concluded by saying, “Thank you, Ed Miliband.” Will this joke never end?

Andy's brief Twitter spat

Christmas is no time for jokes. Esther Walker’s wind-up piece in yesterday’s Times, lamenting the loss of her cleaner over Christmas, was taken at face value by many — including Labour MP Andy Burnham. The eyelashed one tweeted the article, commenting “From Leigh food bank to this in today’s Times. Christmas 2015: two nations & Dickensian levels of inequality.”

A response was swift — Walker’s husband is fellow journalist Giles Coren, no wallflower on Twitter. “It was quality observations like that that won you the leadership, pal,” he replied. Burnham snarkily retorted: “Happy Christmas to you too.”

But ’tis the season of forgiveness, and the pair later called a truce, agreeing “on the need for a more equal country”.

Tiny Tim would be proud.

Big spender of the day: Lord Speaker Baroness D’Souza, who racked up a £230 chauffeuring bill for an opera trip in 2013. Could have got a box seat for that.