Bartesian cocktail maker review: Is this drinks gadget worth the splash?

There are people who follow cocktail recipes to the letter (for distinction, we shall refer to them as squares) and then there are the dreamers who make drinks based on feelings alone.

An extra measure of random booze here, a pointlessly extravagant garnish there, a spoonful of something from the fridge slung into the cocktail shaker just because. We (and yes, this is very much my tribe) present mystery concoctions to friends as they sit innocently on the sofa. This jazz-like style of mixology is glass-half-full optimism at its most literal.

So thank goodness for Bartesian, a robot mixologist that saves us from ourselves (fine, myself).

The brainchild of Canadian barkeep and inventor Ryan Close, it repurposes the concept of a pod coffee machine, dispatching a small menu of premium cocktails instead of oat milk lattes. Forget gadgets that mop the floor or bleep when the milk is off: this is the height of domestic tech.

I took the Bartesian for a spin to see how it fared.

Measuring 32.4 x 33.7 x 31.8cm, this isn’t a compact machine by any means, but should sit on a kitchen counter or in a home bar without taking over the space. The device and removable water tank sit in the centre of a square base with an integrated drinks mat under the spout and two liquid tanks on either side. There are five bottles in all - one dock is interchangeable with gin or rum depending on the cocktail you wish to mix.

There is a user screen at the top of the head to allow you to alter drink strengths and for the machine to issue prompts for action, such as loading the drinks pod or adding water. That’s as smart as it gets. Personally, I’m thrilled that there’s no app required to use the Bartesian - frankly, I don’t think my phone storage can cope with any more.

The grey and black design isn’t the prettiest and once filled, the bottles will make the set-up look like something out of Dexter’s Laboratory (part of the charm for some, perhaps). But with a gadget like this, it’s not looks that really matter here; it’s all about the mixology talent.

Using it is so simple; the hardest part is flattening all the cardboard packaging it comes trussed up in.

Rinse the five removable bottles, fill the reservoir at the back with fresh water and decant your favourite spirits into four labelled tanks, returning them to their allocated holders - there are slots for gin/rum, whisky, vodka and tequila.

Next, it’s time to select a cocktail pod - this holds the concentrated flavourings of the drink - and push that into the head. Indentations on the machine will puncture the pod when you close the head. Follow a few steps on the touchscreen display, including drink strength (‘Standard’ uses a 60ml measure; have a crash helmet ready if you choose Strong), and you should have a precisely blended serve in seconds.

Note a keyword in the last line there: you should have a precisely blended serve in seconds. The truth is that, like flipping pancakes, the first couple of goes on the Bartesian encountered a few teething problems.

Pods weren’t fully drained and water was skipped, leaving me with a mouthful of nearly neat spirit - not the best look on a weekday afternoon in the office. With no spittoon available, I soldiered on. By attempts four and five, drinks were coming out tasty and balanced - although a Standard measure still felt like rocket fuel.

The Bartesian is a gadget that happy hour hosts will adore. The unusual design turns heads; everyone will want a go, meaning you’re free to enjoy your party instead of ferrying endless rounds to your guests.

The pods aren’t bad price-wise, working out to £2.40 a pop - with options like Margarita, Pineapple Margarita, Amaretto Sour, Hurricane, Lemon Drop and Uptown Rocks to choose from. But remember you’ll need to supply your own booze, as the pods come alcohol-free (which means they can serve as mocktails too). Luckily, we update our list of the best booze deals every month.

Any downsides? Unlike a proper bar, you can’t ask the Bartesian to freestyle a drink for any whim, mood or fancy. It won’t glide a drink down the bar towards your expectant hand like you’re in a Western. And as for exchanging pleasantries and convivial chit-chats, well, they’ll have to be one-sided.

But who cares? As a party piece, it won’t fail to get everyone talking.